.....F.....

my recycle bin is always full

If it’s doing nothing is the easiest thing to do in this world, how could it still bothering me? I’ve think a lot about my life, and always searching for the tiny pieces in my puzzling mind, trying to solve and find out what are the things that I missed that can give such catastrophic event during my past, but often I couldn’t find it. Sometimes I always want to do the right thing so that everything going to be right all the way, but it’s not in my ability to control what could happen next.

People say “Practice makes perfect” but I couldn’t see any perfection on any practices that I’ve made before. I tried to make things not complicated, easy and simple as it is, but eventually it would end up composite and complex anyway. For example, if you need money, you have to get yourself employed and become a fully-dedicated employee. But at the end, you still not gotten any of it because of there are factors that makes the money you earn isn’t yours. Isn’t it complicated? You try to be a good person and a good son for example, but there are some factors that turned up things more puzzling and muddled such as shoddier relationship among your family, the struggle and conflict between you and your inner feelings, the martyr that you have to make in the decision to have such superior life like everyone else… Isn’t it complicated?

If this life is as easy as saying “Yeah, you should do A… Oww, nope. A isn’t right, you should do B anyway”, how wonderful is life you may say. But, no it’s not going to be simple, it’s definitely not getting easy like you can imagine. It’s not like you have a button that say “Clear the history” or “Clean the memory” or even “Fix the error”, that should give a light to a better solution, no it’s not going to happen. There is no silver bullet to any problems in this world. If there is, anyone of us can be like James Bond and ended up like the happily ever after stories. Life is problematical but God promises that every problems, there is solutions. How am I getting there….? No one knows…Even God wouldn’t say it; I have to find it myself. But how much longer I have to wait? It’s like craving for freedom and sovereignty. I have no answer, I have nothing and I have no one … All I have is guts!